Today Was The Day

Today was that day...I knew it was coming.

Today was the day that my 4 year old came to me asking, "Are you ever going to stop crying?"
Today I did not answer the phone.
Today I let my baby lay in his bed and cry for awhile because I just could not take it anymore.
Today I made my 2 year old stay in his poopy diaper because the crying baby above was allllllllmost asleep. 

Today Satan whispered in my ear and got a hold of my heart, convincing me that I can not do this. I can not take care of three kids alone. I can not play with everyone and give them the time and attention they deserve. I can not get this baby to stop crying, and it's probably my fault anyway because I ate the wrong thing. I can not have dinner ready and the house picked up and a smile on my face to cover the desperation in my heart by the time my husband gets home. I can't do this. And I certainly can't do it on 3 hours of sleep. What were we possibly thinking?

Now that I put it into words, of course I know it's not true. It's emotional and irrational and just not true.

I'll be honest, I never used to understand these moms who would express how difficult this is- the whole "in the trenches" mentality. I just didn't get it. Now that I'm a stay at home (and waaaay outnumbered), I get it. I understand what it feels like to not feel any glimmer of hope that it's going to get better. Because there's no break. You don't get to go to bed and sleep all night and have tomorrow be a new day. You don't get to go to work and recharge with some alone time. One day runs into another because the day never ends.

So for now I will go hide in the shower, have a good healthy cry, and get ready to face whatever comes my way next.  I can do ALL things through Christ who strengthens me!

Legacy

"Children are living messages that we send to a time that we will not see."  -Neil Postman

I saw this quote in a marriage conference workbook years ago and circled it. It just really resonated with me! The idea of our legacy is something that I think about a lot. I truly believe that our legacy is something that is built- one day at a time. I try to explain to people that I so love my kids, but kids are really not my favorite. I don't go crazy over babies. I want a family for today, but especially for the future.

Last week my family got together to celebrate my grandparents. They are celebrating their 75th birthdays and 55th anniversary this summer.:

From 4 children came this:

And we were missing 4 grandkids! I am so in love with this! It brought tears to hear my grandparents' grown children tearfully express their love for them and the heritage they've given. I looked down at my own babies and got lost in thoughts about what the future holds for us. Will I get the opportunity to sit with my husband and soak in the love of 3 generations?

Some days are hard- I know that we're really in the trenches right now. Three kids 4 and under is crazy. People also love to tell us that all the time. I know it's crazy, but I also know that it is and will be crazy good.  My babies' babies will be on my lap before I know it!

Father's Day Thoughts

Oh Father's Day. I used to really dislike the day and the reminders it gave me. Like Valentine's Day to an unhappy single. I don't have an earthly father that I want to celebrate. No one to change my Facebook profile picture to feature. I've been okay with that for a really long time, but that doesn't mean that I don't still wonder.

I think that because of the way I grew up, I didn't really understand the role of a father. The potential. The responsibility. The love. I saw it secondhand through other men in my life, but there's something different about seeing it modeled and experiencing it in your home.

These days I have someone to celebrate! Every day could be Father's Day at our house. Seriously. One of my goals with our children is to help them understand what a great daddy they have (although I'm quite sure they'll just know it). I am amazed as I watch my husband love those kids...I've just never seen anything like it!

It's the end of a great day and as I reflect on what was supposed to be "his day", I can't help but smile. On Father's Day he:

• held the fussy baby during church, eventually leaving and missing most of the Father's Day message
• cooked our special steak dinner after church while I nursed that same fussy baby
• sacrificed a nap to have alone time at the playground with a 4 year old who thinks daddy is superman and was there to scoop her up and make her feel better when she fell off the equipment there
• shared almost all of his ice cream with the kids who naturally thought dad's was way better than what they had (it was) 
• could be recovering from a whirlwind weekend in his recliner right now, but is outside cleaning up our mess from the fun

Of course, these are just a few things, with so many more little things tucked in the cracks of our day. And that's one day. He truly serves us in a selfless way. Every day. And so we will continue to be thankful for you today and every day because you are a gift to us!

Jehovah Jireh - Our Provider

Making the decision for me to come home was HUGE for us! Of course, we both knew it was the right thing, but then all of those fears and worries start creeping in. I am not a worrier and faith comes pretty easily. I know that if we are doing the right thing and seeking God's will, then it will just work out. J not so much... he's a thinker, a planner.

The truth is, we both had gotten really comfortable in our lifestyle. Not that we lived extravagantly in the least, but we never lost sleep over money- we had what we needed and typically extra. This is where I usually lose people and start getting weird looks: I was tired of it! I didn't want the comfortable path anymore. My heart became so convicted that we as a couple had some things to learn together, that we needed to take a huge leap of faith and let God lead our family and surrender to Him...even our finances. I knew we could and would grow spiritually in some incredible ways if we would just jump.

We jumped. Together. Hand in hand.
And now we celebrate His faithfulness. Of course...His faithfulness.

The very week I came home, J was informed that he would be working all Winter. A very, very big deal in seasonal work that causes some anxiety every year.

A few months later we were informed that there was an insurance goof with the sickest member of our family and everything we had paid in for the entire year would be returned to us (which included a hospital stay).

Our home encountered some serious water damage this Winter and we thought it was going to be a bad, expensive situation. The insurance claim worked out amazingly and even allowed for some extra work to be done that really, REALLY needed it.

Last week, J was moved to a new position that provides a raise, a vehicle, a phone, and year-round security.

Not by our hand, but by His. Nothing we could have planned, just incredible blessings along the way. I love asking people about how they've seen God work when they step out in faith- amazing stories! I challenge you with this: what is He asking you to surrender? Where can your faith be grown?

Daughter of the King

Claire has been obsessed with princesses for almost 2 years now. It's not something I completely understand (I never had that phase) and it's not something we really encouraged either - it just sort of happened. The term "princess" has so many negative connotations in my head. I never wanted my daughter to have that "princess" mentality/attitude. There's not much cute about it as far as I'm concerned.

However, I've really come to terms with her love for all things princess-like. It even has given me some great opportunities to teach her about God being our King and how we are his children. In January our church held our annual Cabin Fever Luncheon, where ladies put together a themed, decorated table. Claire and I attacked this together, of course with a princess theme!

 The centerpiece was my glass cake stand with her pink tutu around the base. We made some purple and pink cupcakes (and didn't take a picture) to go around the stand and then just a simple vase with wands in it. I even found ribbon with pink crowns on it!

I was originally going to put one of Claire's many dresses over each chair as the chair cover, but most did not fit. So, instead, I tied purple tulle around the chair backs for a little "extra". I stuck with paper products this year for simplicity, but also because I knew there'd be some young ones at the table. Princess Sofia is not my favorite, but we were having a hard time finding things without a specific character on them. And she matched. So we got crowns and stickers for each place setting, too.   

The little girls all dressed up in their princess dresses and were very well-behaved. We had a great time and I was so thankful for the opportunity to do something together with Claire. I could tell she felt special, which was exactly what I wanted. It was one of those moments when it just really struck me how big she is.
Sniff.

Cleaning Convictions

Our household has been in the midst of yet another remodel project, except this time it was forced on us because of water damage. It's always something! Anyway, the biggest piece of this project was putting in new flooring in the dining room and kitchen. One day while they were working on it, J called to inform/warn me that the workers ended up creating a huge dust storm. I was not planning on construction dust. I thought it would be a "clean" project, as far as that goes. It was not.

The rest of that week, much time was spent cleaning off surfaces. I looked in at the adjoining bathroom and it didn't look bad at all, so I didn't give it a "special" cleaning - instead waiting until I would just normally clean it anyway. As I was working through my normal bathroom cleaning routine, I took my damp towel and wiped the floor. The towel was completely brown. The more I looked and the more I wiped, the more dirt and dust I found. I marveled at how something that seemed so clean could "secretly" be so filthy!

And then, right there - 7 months pregnant, on all fours, trying to reach that spot behind the toilet - God used my current condition to shed some light on my life. The thought and words struck me like Cam driving his dump truck full-force across the room and into my legs (a real problem at our house): MY HEART.

I want my heart and my life to be genuinely clean. That the goodness would be clear and that it would hold up even when someone comes in and gives it a wipe down, looking for evidence of dust and dirt. Sometimes the sin in our life is the toothpaste trail in the sink, but sometimes it's just a thin layer of dust hiding on the top ledge of the mirror. Either way, it needs to be cleaned up.

Speak the Truth in Love

I've had a couple of people make comments about my lack of blogging lately. Truth is, I just haven't felt like it. And because it's my blog, I felt like that was a good enough reason. My head and my heart have been more than overflowing for quite a while now, and so when I sit down to write, those things are all I can think about.


Some time ago, I really evaluated my life and my heart and asked myself who I wanted to be...and more importantly, who I was called to be. I was so convicted that I needed to be honest (always!) and genuine, but so loving that people would understand my heart. My life changed that day. And then it has been followed by MANY difficult times of being honest and speaking the truth in love. This is what I learned really quick:

         Even though you mean it with love. And pray over your words. Doesn't mean it wont hurt         
         someone's feelings.

So, that's where it gets messy. The truth hurts. It has hurt me and it has probably hurt you. What do we do about it? Are we responsible for hurt feelings? Having your heart convicted hurts. I just simply can't tell you that you're doing great and everything's going to be great and let's just put on a smile if that isn't the truth. I'm positive that I have a responsibility and conviction to say something else. To speak biblical truth, even when it's hard and even when it hurts.

It's so hard to help people understand that you love them enough to be honest. Trust me, I'd much rather just smile and say it's all okay.